We Were Technically Informed: A Letter from One Eighth of the Gang

By [REDACTED] Ranking Member, Select Committee on Being Briefed Too Late

Listen, I know everyone’s upset that we weren’t told about the airstrikes before they happened. But let me assure you: I received a very thick envelope minutes after the news broke on Twitter I mean X, I mean XXX. Democracy lives.

Image courtesy of Imgflip

Yes, it would have been nice to discuss bombing nuclear sites before we bombed them. And sure, my staff initially thought the “intel packet” was a takeout menu stapled to a parking citation. But once I found the memo between two pages of classified Sharpie, I felt fully loop-adjacent.

There’s been a lot of finger-pointing lately. People say the Gang of Eight is a rubber stamp. I take offense. We are a leather-bound, bipartisan coaster—we absorb spills, support optics, and keep the table looking respectable.

Some critics argue we enable executive overreach. Others say we’re complicit in secret wars. But I ask you: if being handed the facts post-blast counts as complicity... shouldn't watching cable news be a war crime?

So let’s all take a breath. The system is working exactly as intended—if the intention was plausible deniability and high-resolution hindsight. And if it wasn’t? Well, I was never briefed on that part.

CellyBlue’s-SatireStack

---

CellyBlue-I Do Know This!