A PRESIDENTIAL STATEMENT FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Not The Presidential Statement For Immediate Release.

Subject: Clarity on Our Recent Non-War

My fellow Americans,

And you know who you are (wink, wink)

Last night, under the shimmering banner of peace, U.S. forces undertook a firmly non-combative demonstration of kinetic encouragement in select regions of Iran. This was not an act of war, but a high-altitude expression of our foreign policy—think of it as diplomacy with a sonic boom.

Let me be clear: no war has been declared. We merely issued a decisive spatial correction to certain nuclear-adjacent infrastructure. This proactive repositioning of high-value atoms was necessary to preserve stability, encourage dialogue, and remind everyone who funds the satellites.

cartoondrawing couresty of pintest

I want to emphasize that Congress has been—is being—included in this process, retroactively and in principle. The Gang of Eight, America’s most informed set of occasionally briefed overseers, has received the relevant facts in an appropriate order: after.

We remain committed to transparency, as long as it does not interfere with operational ambiguity. And we thank the American people for trusting us to interpret the Constitution with flexibility and flair.

May God bless our intentions—and the plausible deniability they rode in on.

oh and M-A-G-A (wink, wink).

END

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CellyBlue-I Do Know This!